A lot of my life has been a battle to know True Carla. The church didn't help me with this. The message was always foggy.... "God loves you for who you are; He loves you so much that he died for you; Give your life to him! But don't forget: You are a sinner and your heart is wicked; God only really likes you if you do certain things for him (acts of service) or sacrifice yourself for the sake of spreading the gospel." There was always this wicked twist at the end of all these hopeful promises about God loving me. Is God truly glorified in these kinds of church services? Or does he weep over the lies being told in his name?I guess I'm writing church thoughts because it's Sunday morning. :)
So sometimes, when I'm living as Starving Carla, I still worry, "Is this True Carla? I must be a bad person to be having all these negative feelings. I'm just lazy. I can't change for the better. My heart just isn't good."
But for the past 2 days I have felt True Carla come back. I met with a new friend on Friday evening who inspired me and empowered me with her own journey. She is courageous and is taking strong steps towards her own wholeness and living her life full and free. Simply hearing about how she is taking these steps helped me to feel stronger in taking some steps that I needed to take for myself. And I feel like True Carla again. I'm not confused; I feel at peace. Amazing how my friend loving herself inspires me to love myself. As she lived out her journey towards health, she loved me by sharing it and therefore inspiring me to live out my journey of health (real love doesn't just fix other people's problems for them- real love encourages other people to fix their own problems.)
I grew up thinking that in order to love other people, I needed to stop thinking about myself (another church message.) This is a LIE! I cannot give to others if I am empty myself. I cannot give to others with joy and no strings attached if I ultimately give to get their approval and affirmation (because this doesn't always happen.) The more I love True Carla and get to know her and take care of her, the more I can freely speak the truth to other people and care about them in a healthy way. It is not selfish to love yourself first.
This is better than any church service I've been to...
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I wanted to clarify that the church I've been attending recently is a far more free place than any other church I've been to. My thoughts in this post are directed more at the church in general, most specifically the church I grew up in, and its role in dealing out the lies that have had a huge impact on what I believe about myself.
Hi Carla - hadn't realised you were back and posting again. Good to hear your thoughts once more.
Wish you could worship at the Church of the Feckless Boy, or Frederick Buechner's Lovechild!
I know what you mean about the mixed message. Does God love us or does God hate us? Or is it some kind of amalgam of both? The answers to those questions will form us as people and go a long way to defining how we're going to relate to others, especially others who are different from us.
Blessigs
FBL
Hi FBL! Good to hear from you.
More thoughts on the mixed message: Maybe our definition of love is part of the problem. Love has many different faces, like the different faces of a rubix cube. Sometimes it's soft, sometimes hard, sometimes angry, sometimes completely delighting in. God loves us completely, always acting in ways that are most beneficial to us, delighting in us more than we know, and angry as well when we live in ways that aren't in our best interest. Does this connect with your thoughts?
I was thinking more last night that repentence isn't coming to God over and over again, asking for forgiveness and feeling awful about ourselves. We ARE forgiven. I believe real repentence is finally learning the truth about our value, and then deciding to live our lives from now on in this truth, this NEW way- treating ourselves and others as valuable creatures who are loved and can love- and learning and correcting ourselves towards better ways of living as we go along.
This was kind of a ramble... :) But I think it relates to your comment.
It would be fun to visit your church someday! A trip to Scotland and Ireland would be fantastic!
Till next time,
Carla
Hi Carla -
Yep - I think you're spot on.
Do you know the story of the woman anointing Jesus' feet with ointment ?(Luke 7:36-50).
I think that story illustrates what you're saying really clearly.
Jesus doesn't say "This act of contrition has shown me that you are truly sorry - therefore I will forgive you..."
He says "the great love she has shown proves that her many sins have been forgiven."
This act isn't to earn Jesus' love. It's in response to the love and forgiveness she's *already* experienced. So I think you're entirely right. Grace and forgiveness come first - all we are invited to do is to accept them and respond to them.
I think that this is the very heart of the gospel. So often the cross is presented as some kind of mechanistic sin-remedy, bypassing the start of the story which begins with a God who loves and creates.
BUT (and there's always a but!)those who want to spread *this* kind of good news need to remind ourselves that just because God loves us it doesn't mean we don't need to change!
I remember reading about a preacher who got his congregation to turn to the people on their left and say "God loves you just the way you are". He then got them to turn to the people on their right and say "God loves you too much to let you stay that way!"
I think there's some truth in both those statements.
Blessings
FBL
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