Gold Digging

I'm going through the struggle. The universe keeps asking me, "What do you want?"

28 years of life ~ first I learned to please my parents, then the church (and/or "God"), then everyone else around me. It seems like a simple life function, but I don't know what I want (I'm talking big picture). It's like pulling threads out that don't belong in my tapestry, voices and opinions of others that I have secured myself in for so long.

My struggle has lots of different feelings all at once. Panic, hope, growing confidence in what is true. Fear. I'm afraid of not knowing just as much as I'm afraid of knowing. I am afraid of the burden of finally finding what I want and then the effort and responsibility it will take to go for it. I confront this question over and over, and I feel my determination. It's like walking towards the end of the high dive... the determination to do it but the gripping fear at the same time.

It's a mindset thing. The lies I've believed for so long try to come back, though their voices are weaker and weaker. "Throw aside everything that hinders..." The more I practice the truth, the more clear my goal becomes, the more I speak with authority and say "Get out of here you stupid life-sucking lies. You don't belong here anymore."

I say to God, "I don't think I can do it." He doesn't really reply, but I think he smiles at me. He knows my heart better than I do right now. And he let's me go through the struggle. It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven... I wonder what it means to be rich? I can say for myself that things have always come easily to me. My "easy riches" are losing their appeal, and the opportunity for me to gain lasting ones is right here, right now. I know I won't give up. The universe keeps looking me in the face and asking what I want... I will be grateful for its persistence, and I will soon know.