On Being Single

I never thought I’d still be single at age 28. Growing up, I was quite sure that marriage would just “happen” to me at some point between the age of 18 and 25. That was normal. It happened that way to everyone! People told me it would. And if it didn’t... people seemed to feel sorry for you (at least that was common in the world I grew up in). When I was 16 I thought I had found the man I would marry. Felt the same way for each boyfriend after that as well! Reality now taps me on the shoulder. Marriage hasn’t “happened” to me yet. That’s where I’m at right now. I’ve asked lots of “why not?” and “how come?” questions. I’ve gotten some answers and am still waiting for others.

A few weeks ago (here’s a vulnerable tidbit for you!) I found myself driving home from work and fantasizing about my wedding reception. I have rarely dreamed about the ceremony part- walking up the aisle, looking beautiful and all that. No, for me, the part of the wedding day I’ve dreamt about the most is what people will say about me during the reception. On this particular drive home, I had the details arranged so poignantly and creatively, I actually started to cry... (I often imagine that there are 2 parts to myself: the conscious and the unconscious; real Carla and starving Carla; feeling Carla and thinking Carla...) So my other half kicked in and stood back from myself for a moment and said, “WOW- something deep is happening here... What is it exactly that touches you so, as you daydream about this?” That was the day the WHY of my fantasy became so clear to me, and this realization has stuck with me ever since. The big truth at the bottom of it all is that I have an incredible desire to be known.

Does anyone else identify with this? I intensely crave someone to know me so well, to have noticed the details of my life, who I am, what I think, how I feel, that they will stand in front of all the other people I know and share these things about me with care and sincerity and respect. I want to be celebrated. I want someone to find out my favourite song and why it’s my favourite. For someone to have taken the time to look past my imperfections and inconsistencies and see my true intentions, my real heart. Etc etc etc. This is a very powerful desire.

How sad that I seem to only feel hopeful about this happening at my wedding... I mentioned earlier that I grew up in a world where being single as a 30 something woman was uncomfortable. When you talked about so and so, the common question always seemed to come about: “I wonder when she’ll get married...” or “You know, one day the right man is just going to come along and sweep her off her feet! I just KNOW it!!” So the belief was communicated that the fulfillment of this person’s life would come about through marriage. I believed this lie for a very long time- that in order to be a complete woman, I needed to be married. That in order to have an identity, I had to be someone’s wife and someone’s mother. But that is not true; it is a lie. A big lie that can cause a person to go in all kinds of painful directions. The truth is that right now I am all that I am. I am complete. I have an identity that is unique and real and full of potential and exists apart from anyone else committing to be in a relationship with me. And though I really do want a marriage relationship one day, this is one big truth that I cannot live without.

Maybe other women can identify with this question: how come adults ask little boys what they “want to be” when they grow up more than they ask little girls? I don’t remember people asking me that when I was a little girl. I feel jipped. I never learned to exercise in my young heart that part of myself, the part that wonders who I really am and what I’m passionate about. I am so grateful to be starting that process now. The more I engage in this process, the more and more excited I become...

Knowing myself is the ultimate first step in me being known to someone else. I can be known in this world for who I truly am, apart from being married. I can celebrate this person God has created, wedding reception or not. And it’s a no lesser celebration either- it is just as powerful and important. This is true for every person everywhere- it is true for you, whether you are single or married. It is hard to be alone. It is hard to let go of ideas that you hoped would finally bring you ultimate happiness (this is another illusion)... But to letting go of something that is painfully misleading is gaining a whole new world.