Starving Carla and True Carla

Sometimes I have feelings that disturb me. Jealousy, over-critiquing, lack of true joy for someone else's good fortune. For so much of my life, I've beat myself up for these feelings. I should feel this way; how horrrible for me to feel that way! Good Christians don't feel that way... I musn't really love God... I'm such a bad person... I'm growing towards being more singular in who I am, but I was able to identify that there are two kinds of Carlas inside: Starving Carla and True Carla.

I have lived most of my life as Starving Carla. This Carla never learnt how to be and love herself, how to understand her feelings, how to be a whole person. She was starved for affirmation about who she was and how valuable she was just as herself. She learnt how to do do do all these things to gain other people's approval so that she could feel valuable. She has big eyes that are accutely aware of everyone's actions towards her. She has so many strong desires but she doesn't know how to pursue them in a healthy way. She depends on outside circumstances and other people to fulfill her desires and therefore feels extremely disappointed and helpless when outside circumstances don't act in her favor. She is Starving because she never learnt how to feed herself.

I've been discovering True Carla now and this is so exciting! She is strong, courageous and full of life. She has many desires too, but is learning how to pursue them in a healthy way, owning her own emotions and forming her own thoughts. She needs other people, but not in a needy way. She enjoys connecting with other people and getting to know them for who they really are. She doesn't hand out parts of herself to other people for them to assess what they think of her and give her the affirmation she craves; she welcomes and loves her whole self and decides her own value.

Starving Carla and True Carla have different emotions. Ultimately, they are just 2 different ways of dealing with life. Starving Carla reacts to the outside world and feels needy (and thefore jealous, over-critical etc etc etc.) True Carla is more whole and knows her value. She doesn't need to react- she can act with good intention and an excitement about life. She doesn't feel like other people are stealing from her because she is learning how to own herself.

I'm not going to beat up Starving Carla anymore. I'm going to help her feed herself by paying more attention to True Carla. I have a good heart, and I am not a bad girl.

One of my favorite songs by Bens Fold is called "Jane":

"Jane be Jane; you're better that way. Not when you try imitating something you think you saw... Jane be Jane; and if sometimes that might drive them away; let them stay there, you don't need them anyway. You're worried there might not be anything at all inside; but that you're worried should tell you that's not right. You had it harder than anyone could know; so hard to let it go. It's your life- you can decorate it as you like. Beneath the pain and armor in your eyes, the truth still shines. Jane be Jane."