Monday, May 14, 2007

Hungry Girl



Perhaps I live too much in the depths of my being... Not so much the depths like "doomsday" but in the sense of being aware of deep feeling most of the time. And most of the time, I feel hungry. Wish I could say I mostly felt gracious or giving or exuberant. But it's mostly hungry, for life, for something... It doesn't go away.

Even in dreams come true, there is hunger. I prayed and prayed for the grace to wait for dreams to come true. Now some of them are and now I need grace to tend to them. To accept them. To wait for them to grow, for me to grow. To let myself stumble along new paths I've never been down before.

The hunger is still there. Dreams come true don't quench it entirely.

Saint Augustine felt his hunger very strongly too and opted to not have sex. I don't want to not have sex. Less holy, more holy?... Perhaps there is a greater need for grace in my case, to accept the gifts of this life but to also keep hungering for more. Like God looking at me with a winking eye, saying "I'm the more that you need. I'm the one that fills you. I'm your living water." Maybe knowing this is what makes our gifts all the more sacred, in a sense. Helps us to be able to receive them without taking advantage or demanding too much from them. Simple faith, simple grace, simple rest in waiting to be fed. May I know this way of Christ.

4 comments:

Travis Dolynny said...

That's awesome. I can completely relate to those feelings. Is it like a feeling of being satisfied, but wondering if there's more? Like ordering a banana split and when you're half way through it, the though of adding a couple wallnuts would make it so much better? Suddenly the banana split becomes a lot less satisfying and you return to your feeling of desire.

I believe that we have to develop character to accept the promises of God. We have to undergo the process before the promise. If we accept the pay before the work, we tend not to put ourselves into the work and forgo a chance to build character. Like a parent buying a child a toy and telling them that they have to be good now that they have the toy. It probably won't have the same result as the toy being offered after being good. Ok... I'm getting of base.

Good writings Carla. You're a very interesting person.

Carla said...

Thanks a lot Travis. Thoughts shared as we journey through life and love...

Carla said...

Travis, on further reflection regarding your banana split idea... I do feel it's extremely wonderful just as it is... I'm not sure the feelings of hunger are that I wish it was more than it is... Maybe it's just that I will always need the something more, the perfect love from above type thing that nothing on earth is completely capable of offering... Make sense? Do you get my jive?

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